Are you in a tolyamorous relationship? Understand the not-so-cool situation in marriage

Mumbai: In the realm of modern relationships, new terms and dynamics continue to emerge, challenging traditional views on monogamy. One such term, ‘tolyamory,’ has recently gained attention for its unique approach to managing extramarital activities within marriages. In recent years, the term ‘tolyamory’ has emerged as a new way to describe relationships where partners tolerate each other’s extramarital activities without openly discussing them.

This term, coined by US relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage, blends ‘polyamory’ with ‘tolerate,’ capturing a complex dynamic where one or both partners accept infidelity or non-monogamous behaviour as part of their relationship. Savage discussed this term on his podcast, Savage Lovecast.

Savage describes tolyamory as a situation where someone is willing to overlook a brief affair or a lap dance after years of marriage, focusing instead on the ways their spouse shows commitment and love. These individuals are not to be pitied; they understand and accept the dynamics of their relationship. They are, in a word, tolyamorous. While it might seem like a practical solution for some, tolyamory can bring its own set of challenges and emotional complexities.

Unlike conventional polyamory, where partners are openly aware and consensual about multiple relationships, tolyamory involves partners who choose to tolerate each other’s non-monogamous behaviour without always discussing it openly. This evolving concept raises important questions about commitment, tolerance, and the realities of contemporary marriage.

Dynamics of tolymory

Tolymory differs significantly from traditional polyamory. In polyamorous relationships, partners are usually aware of and consent to the multiple relationships involved. In contrast, tolyamory involves a level of unspoken agreement or tolerance where extramarital activities might be acknowledged but are not openly discussed. This could mean one partner engaging in discreet affairs while the other chooses to overlook them, focusing instead on the positive aspects of their relationship.

Real-life experiences and challenges

Many people find tolyamory a practical approach to managing dissatisfaction or unmet needs within a marriage. People with non-existent sex lives by their late thirties remain together for the sake of their young children and financial commitments embrace the tolyamorous dynamic.

For example, one individual shared that their marriage, which had become more like a friendship over time, adapted to a tolyamorous dynamic after one partner expressed that they would not feel jealous if the other engaged in an affair. This arrangement allowed them to maintain their relationship despite the changes in their intimacy and connection.

Similarly, another person described how their partner’s enjoyment of nights out with friends, where she flirted and acted as if she were single, improved her mood and, consequently, the overall family atmosphere. Although this arrangement wasn’t ideal for everyone, it worked for them, highlighting how tolyamory can sometimes help balance personal needs with marital stability.